Monday, February 21, 2011


Y’all know this is a G-Rated blog. Always has been, but today, things may change. And if you’re dainty---I’ll interject a caveat in the words of the inimitable Miss Nigella, “Look away Now.”

Yesterday was a lovely day. It was a sort of disjointed day, in that Caro and I started out to make some candle-rings---noted in the Pink Roses post above. I GOT the pink roses and the little wire rings, the just-the-right-shade of blush-pink candles, the greenery, the silky cascade of white flowers to intersperse, and we got out the clippers, the needle-nose pliers, the green tape. Then we went upstairs looking for the BIG knee-high silver candlestick to hold one of the rings and candle. Caro thought it might be in the little white dresser set smack against the wall behind the couch.

We moved out couch, explored drawers and shelves, finding a pretty pink Depression-glass fluted bowl for the low arrangement, plus all sorts of room for the stack of Christmas Marthas which had been beneath the sitting room lamp, the Winter candles, some seldom-used tablecloths. Decided what the heck, we’ve got the couch out anyway, and swept all behind and beneath, extending our brooms’ reach to the far corners of the hardwood. Swept up a few fallen begonia leaves, decided to clear the entire table and deadhead the plants.

Spilled leaves and stems, swept again. Cleaned off coffeetable, polished glass, re-arranged bibelots on plant table in corner. Ran back and forth downstairs for Windex, cloths, tiny broom and dustpan, ice from the machine. Caro remembered box, long lost, holding the yards and yards of garland with hundreds of pale pink roses which had been the “valance” six or eight years ago when we got the living room sheers. That would look nice over sitting-room arch where Christmas garland had been.

Downstairs to get step-stool, up to hold and measure and drape. Garland down again, to get spilled roses from bottom of box and fill in bald spots. Up and up. Prettyyy!!

Getting kinda late in the day, so we decided to part ways and go start different parts of dinner, her in her kitchen, me in mine. I stop to admire lamp, fairy, hand-clutch of roses just laid down there until we need them. Little did I know how MUCH I was gonna need something pretty to look at.

Chris home with week’s groceries---all the attendant puttings-away and dividing into packages for the freezer. I to kitchen, him to computer to finish a letter he’d started. He’d decided in the grocery store that since FuzzyPup is so fond of the fishy flavors of Alpo, perhaps some cat food might be just the ticket. I don’t think it’s quite the thing to cross species on the formulas, but what the heck---I’d see if he liked it, anyway---we had four cans. Chris at computer; me in kitchen.

Fuzzy alerted me that his tummy was ringing; I opened a tuna-sized can of 9-Lives (which WAS TUNA, which plays into this melodrama in just a moment). The always-has-been method of making “Fuzzy’s Dinners” is a couple of tablespoons of Alpo scooped out of the Tupperware into a little bowl, then covered with water. Microwave set for One Minute, and when the countdown hits “40” there she is, ready to be mixed with a little dry food and served. I followed procedure.

Chris, typing away, asked, “How do you spell grammatically?” and I started spelling. Somewhere in between the twice-asking “one M or two,” and my walking over to spell it S-L-O-W-L-Y, an enormous BANG! emanated from the forgotten microwave. Sputtering a BAD word under my breath, I ran for the kitchen, threw open the door (definitely NOT to the moon on new-fallen snow) and was met with THIS:

It’s exploded Nine-Lives. Tuna Flavor. With CHEESE in it. In little goldy pellets mixed in with the brown clumps. FISHY clumps. Like cat vomit. And my language matched the occasion---anybody know the Southern term "Blue Streak"? It had been a long day, I was tired, and yelling Frell, Frack or Frickin’ at intervals seemed to help. Some. I’d slam the door and say another one. I grabbed out the big glass tray from the bottom, clustered with unspeakable detritus from the ocean’s depths, plus whatever came out of the Velveeta Plant’s dumpster, and practically threw it into the sink. MORE WORDS. More slamming.

I sprayed the whole inside of the thing with Pine-Sol orange---two doses, and I probably swore with each whoosh. It was TUNA. Old yucky non-human grade TUNA. Fish. The innards and lips and eyeballs of FISH. But now it smelled better. And we started laughing and saying every bad word we could think of, just Hee-Hawing and shouting obscenities, while Caro laughed, too, but kept her distance from these two loonies and that horrible smell.

And I slept really well last night, probably the endorphins from all the cussin', and have been quite fine today. But CAT-FOOD!

I swear, we coulda put the whole dang CAT in there and not have made such a mess.

And it still don't smell like roses, but a good CUSS is kinda freeing, somehow---I think it's probably better than Prozac.


Southern Lady said... I'm still laughing out loud, Rachel... but With you, not At you. What a mess!

It reminds me of the time many years ago that I jumped into the shower while my dear sweet husband and daughter were leaving to go pick up some hamburgers for dinner, and I asked them to put some eggs on to boil as they walked out the door. As I was drying off, I heard a loud BOOM from downstairs in the kitchen and hurriedly threw on some clothes and ran downstairs to see what it was. And what it WAS was ... boiled or semi-boiled eggs EVERY where, in every nook and cranny in the kitchen -- and the door to the microwave hanging by a couple of screws ... lol I could not believe my eyes -- my dear sweet husband and daughter had put the eggs in a bowl of water in the MICROWAVE. I'm just glad no one was in the kitchen when they "went off!"

Maggie McArthur said...

Oh ick! Oh yuck! Rachel, I thought this was the kind of thing that happens only to me. (Which might explain why I'm such a good cusser! :-)

Nail said...

That's the funniest thing!!! The very idea of you saying a "dirty word"???!!! I can't even imagine, wish I had been there to experience it...and I agree...nothing smells worse than fish lips.

Kim Shook said...

Oh My Word! I am sitting here at work alternately gasping with horror and snorting with laughter! What a disgusting mess. People tuna would have been bad enough but CAT tuna is revolting. And with CHEESE! What level of cheese hell does cat cheese come from?

I am mostly giggling at the picture of you two cussing and cackling! Can't wait to get home and giggle with Mike over this!

Marjorie (Molly) Smith said...

Oh, yuck is the first thing that comes to mind, what an aweful smell that had to be. Tuna is bad enough but cat food tuna..gross. I would have been right there with you cussing every breath...just too funny.

racheld said...

I did. He did, but only because I got so tickled on about the forty-fifth time. He had thought HE was the cause of it because he had called my attention away from what I was doing anyway.

So, after my tirade/tantrum/totally unladylike behavior, when I started to laugh, he joined right in. And it just expaded exponentially, like pouring soda into vinegar.

Which, by the way, wouldn't be a bad idea. I've got it clean (three cleanings) and stuffed full of crumpled newspaper---hope nobody turns it on.

And, as a side-effect---I've got a coupla REALLY good quotes for my list of Quotations 2011 that I'm storing up. Thanks, Y'all!

Kat said...

Oh my word! Gross. Really gross. Don't-want-to-deal-with-it kind of gross. I might have closed the door on the microwave and grabbed my purse and walked out the front door....and put a for sale sign in the yard. Hehehe!


Penny said...

Rachel, Too gross! I have to thank you for the link to the Guadalcanal Journal! William Cameron was mentioned and my Dad's picture at the grave was included, even though they had his name wrong. We are getting in touch with the author's son who posted the journal to have him correct the mistake. I am sending this to my Brother. I can't thank you enough. How did you know about this? Email me at I tried to email you but couldn't. You have made my day.

steelersandstartrek said...

ROFL! For the love of the goddess, please do not attempt to warm up anything more delicate than a garlic bagel in that machine for the foreseeable future! I am envisioning the Young Miss She with a warmed up brownie for a doll's tea party, and the look on her young face as she tries to identify the exact nature of the unexpected additive wafting up at her!

Best Buy IS running a sale on brnad new microwaves right now...... LOLOLOL

Laurie said...

Oh no! At least you didn't burn down the kitchen, like I almost did when I turned on the wrong burner once in my brand new kitchen!! Your story made me laugh!

Bev said...

Thanks for the great laugh..sorry for you for the mess to clean up..but funny funny stuff!

Kouign Aman said...

I've been told, but havent tested it, that nuking a bowl full of vinegar in the microwave will clear out the smell of the cooked catfood.
Lemme know how it goes.
Meantime, may I suggest tunafish salad for lunch today? Maybe you can join 'em if you cant beat 'em. ;)

Tonja said...

This is so funny! I'm so sorry it happened...but, it sure did give some of us a fine laugh! Oh, and it helps to just say those words sometimes, doesn't it? There's just not anything else that will express how you really feel. And, if you don't express it, it will stay inside and cause all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. So, let it out, sister!
I was going to mention the newspaper, but saw you knew about it. I use it alot!

Jeanne said...

Rachel, I'm sorry but this is a real laugh. Not the yucky tuna but the image of you cussing and cleaning a disgusting mess. My hubs did the very same thing with eggs. Yuck doesn't begin to describe the mess. However, it did not stink like tuna. You poor thing. My sister has three cuss words shouted in a high voice to relieve her stress in a bad situation. There is a sense of relief in those words but in truth she makes me laugh every time.

I am looking for the button post and I will send you a link.

I feel awesome to get those stitches out. It has been two weeks. Thank you so much for your concern Rachel. I admit that I still have a ways to go to look better but I can live with that.

My advice is "No tuna in the microwave" I do admit,to warming Cheri's soft food for 10 seconds.I just use a tablespoon with her hard food. Yep, she is spoiled and so adorable. I have to add, she is such a good girl too. Smile! Do you think I am partial???
Love ya, Jeanne

Cape Coop said...

Rachel, I have been known to be a potty mouth when driving, Idiot and Stupid Idiot are my favored terms for other drivers- speeders, lane changers,tailgaters all. Thus I empathize with your momentary "loss of lingy"... and besides that, who enjoys a cat food messed microwave? UGH. I can smell it in my mind- I feel like gagging!